BUSTED!
by
The Queen of Swords
It’s another boring night on Gourrigan’s Island, as the castaways fan themselves with palm fronds and watch Princess Amelia do her impersonation of her father Prince Phileonel for the zillionth time. It wasn’t funny the first time, either.
Amelia: I’d like to see any of you be more entertaining!
Zelgadis: Ever since we polished off the Funky Fruit, everything else just seems so boring. Are you sure there isn’t any more?
Amelia puts on her best innocent face.
Amelia: Of course I’m sure! I liked the Funky Fruit, to, you know!
All: Yeah! We know!
Rezo: That still leaves us hard up for entertainment.
Gourrigan: You’re a sorcerer, do some magic tricks for us, or something.
Rezo: Like what? I’m one of the great wise men of the age! I don’t do parlor tricks! Zel, amuse him.
Zelgadis: I’m a master of Shamanist magic, I don’t do parlor tricks, either.
Lina: The mighty sorceress Lina Inverse doesn’t do parlor tricks, either!
Amelia: And I’m a Princess! I don’t do them, either.
Firia: Oh, but you’ll do cheezy impressions of your father, I suppose?
Xellos: I dunno about the rest of you, but that Funky Fruit left me feeling pretty horny. Girls? How ‘bout it?
The girls shriek and run away into the jungle. Xellos stretches, laces his hands behind his head and looks smug.
Xellos: Thought that’d get rid of ‘em.
He reaches into his shirt, whips out a deck of cards and starts shuffling them.
Xellos: 5-Card Stud, Aces wild. Where’d you hide the fruit, Zel?
Zelgadis: Another dimension, but I can get ‘em easily enough. Winner takes all?
Rezo: Per usual.
Gourrigan: What if the girls come back?
Xellos: Then we’re playing for coconuts. Cut the deck.
Meanwhile, out in the jungle, the girls have stopped running and are taking a breather in that nice clearing in which Amelia had originally discovered the Funky Fruit. The Funky Fruit vines are bare, however, and show no signs of producing more fruit anytime soon. Lina strips off her clothes and dives into the pool and is soon followed by Amelia and Firia. Amelia paddles over to the waterfall, then crawls through it. Soon, she emerges with a box, which she sets on a nearby rock. Cracking it open, she removes three coconut cups and a bottle from which she pours a milky substance, then she passes around the cups. Amelia reaches back into the box and pulls out a cloth-wrapped Funky Fruit. She unwraps it, divides it into three parts and hands two of them to her friends, who immediately pop them into their mouths. Lina salutes her friends with her mug.
Lina: I thought we’d never get away from them! Gods, I’ve never been so bored in my life!
Amelia: You said it, Miss Lina!
Firia: Hear! Hear! I hope they don’t find out we’ve learned how to ferment coconut milk!
Lina: And have some Funky Fruit!
Firia: Yeah, we’d never get rid of them! And we’d have to put up with Xellos’ libido! EW!
Lina: No kidding! Oh, wow…it’s working…
Amelia: Groovy…
Firia: Got the cards?
Amelia: They’re in the box.
After a few sloppy attempts, Amelia pulls a deck of cards out of the box where the coconut beverage is kept and starts shuffling them, losing most of them in the pool, but no one seems to care.
Amelia: Ok, 5-Card Shtud, Aces high, jackzare wild. We’re playing for Zel’s Funky Fruit shtash, winner takezall.
Firia: Oh, like, he thinkzits a zegred…hee-hee! Wudda ego!
Lina: Ya! Big, blue ego! Bffffpppsss! Hee-hee-hee!
The girls raise their mugs to their own ingenuity, then Amelia starts to deal what’s left of the cards straight into the water. None of the girls notices the trio watching them from atop the waterfall. The three men in dark blue jackets back slowly away from the edge of the cliff, then retreat into the jungle, heading for the beach where they’ve set up their base camp.
Back at the castaways’ compound, Gourry is reaping the benefits of his winning streak. He may not know everything but he sure knows how to play Poker. But, being the super-nice guy that he is, Gourry shares Zel’s previously secret stash of (three) Funky Fruit with his friends. Soon, they’re feeling pretty good and have convinced Zelgadis to prove that he knows all the words to Jumpin’ Jack Flash. While Stone Boy does his Keith Richards imitation for them, two strangers watch them from the cover of the jungle. They wear dark blue windbreakers and dark sunglasses. On an unspoken signal, they disappear into the jungle. On the backs of their jackets are three, large, yellow letters: ATF.
Rezo: Hey, guysh? You hear sumfin?
Xellos: Nope.
Zelgadis: Nuffin!
Gourrigan: Zel’z singin’!
They collapse in a fit of giggling.
Back at the grotto, the girls are quite blotto. But happy, real happy. So happy, in fact, they’ve made the bizarre discovery that, different as they are, they all love the Beastie Boys.
Girls: NO! SLEEP! TILL BROOKLYN!
Head bang, head bang, head bang.
Girls: NO! SLEEP! TILL BROOKLYN!
However, after the fruit’s effects wore off…
Lina: I don’t feel so good. I’m gonna take a nap, you guys.
Amelia: We shouldn’t have done that. We said we’d get rid of it all!
Firia: Hey! Lighten up, Amelia! I can put it down whenever I want to! It’s just for fun, you know? I don’t have to have the fruit to have fun, either! I can make my own…uh…my own…*sniffle* I can’t believe we did that again! WAAAA!
The girls start crying. Back at the clearing, the guys aren’t doing much better.
Xellos: Shit. This stuff leaves ya with a killer hangover, don’t it?
Rezo: Shhhhhh…not so loud! My head!
Zelgadis: This is it. No more fruit. I’m off the stuff!
Gourrigan: That’s what you said last night. And don’t talk so loud.
Pause.
Xellos: So, was that the end of your stash, Zel?
Zelgadis: Yeah. But Amelia’s got some behind the waterfall where she found the stuff in the first place. I know where it is.
Rezo: Bet that’s where the girls are. Hmph! And they went off on us!
Gourrigan: Hypocrites! Just like girls! Can’t trust ‘em!
Pause.
Rezo: There are four of us and only three of them. We can take ‘em.
Xellos: They’ll probably be too stoned to stop us.
Gourrigan: I dunno…Lina throws a mean fireball, even when she’s not sober!
Zelgadis: And Amelia’s magic is nothing to sneeze at, either.
Rezo: We must be careful. Are you with me?
Zelgadis: I’m in.
Xellos: Me, too.
Gourrigan: Let’s go.
The guys sneak off to the grotto, only to find the girls in question are missing, but someone else is there to welcome them.
ATF Agents: FREEZE! Put your hands in the air! Do it!
Suddenly, the guys are surrounded by a bunch of men and women in dark blue, aiming high powered rifles at them. The boys wisely put their hands in the air as several of the agents break out of the circle and start frisking them. Rezo’s and Xellos’ staffs are confiscated, as are Gourry’s and Zelgadis’ swords. Then the guys are turned around, their hands yanked behind their backs and secured with handcuffs. While all this is going on, another agents chants:
ATF Agent: Zelgadis Greywers, Rezo the Red Priest, Xellos Metallium, Gourry Gabriev: We are agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms of the United States of America. We are placing you under arrest for violation of United States drug code number—
Gourry: But we’re nowhere near the United States! We’re close to Japan!
ATF Agent: No, sir, you’re approximately 50 miles off the coast of Hawaii and in United States waters. I advise you to remain silent until under the advice of an attorney. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to…
As the ATF guy chants the boys their Miranda rights, they notice the girls sitting on a rock on the other side of the clearing. They, too, are handcuffed and looking pretty miserable. ATF agents wearing rubber gloves are going through and tagging the contents of a wooden box and photographing the clearing, including the playing cards floating in the pool.
Zelgadis: But-but—this wasn’t in the script!
The Queen of Swords appears from behind the cameras.
QOS: Hey! Hey! What is this?! That’s not real Funky Fruit! It’s a prop!
Turns to one of the crew, hand outstretched. He tosses her a Funky Fruit.
QOS: Look, man, it’s pretend, ok?
ATF Agent: So are they (points at the cast). What’s your beef, Lady?
QOS: "Lady"? Excuse me—LADY?!
Gourry: …oh-oh…
ATF Agent: Quiet!
The Queen starts to sweat.
QOS: That’s it! I’m calling my lawyer! I’m suing you people for defamation of character and false arrest! And by the way, where’s your search warrant, huh? And let’s see some badges for more than a millisecond! I want badge numbers!
ATF Agent: Ask Dick Clark.
QOS: Dick—grrrrr! You are so sued!
Dick Clark: Surprise, Queen, you’re on TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes!
The Queen turns pale. The "ATF guys" giggle. The cast and crew, however, are not nearly as amused. All eyes turn to Xellos, who sweats and shakes his head emphatically.
Xellos: It wasn’t me this time! I swear!
QOS: Then who…?
Dick Clark: Ladies, you can come out now.
Shilfiel and Martina come out of the trees, Martina looking pleased with herself, Shilfiel…well, one look at the Queen of Swords and Shilfiel thinks she’s ready to go home now.
Lina: Martina! I should have known! Somebody get these handcuffs off me so I can wring her neck!
Amelia: (sotto vocce) Lina, we’re on TV! It’s a joke! Chill!
QOS: Yeah, Dick, how ‘bout getting those handcuffs off my people, eh?
The Queen smacks an arm around Dick Clark’s shoulders and grins at him in a most disturbing way. Dick waves at the fake ATF guys, who hurry to uncuff the cast.
QOS: Wow, Dick Clark! I used to watch American Bandstand every Saturday! And, you know, Dick, you don’t look a day older. Why is that?
Dick: I’m a little tired of that ques—
QOS: You’re a ‘toon, aren’t you? Shilfiel, where do you think you’re going?
Shilfiel: Um…potty?
QOS: Hold it.
Shilfiel: Ok…
QOS: Practical joke, eh, Dick *ha-ha*! Wow…you just totally screwed up my production schedule, you know that, ‘Toon Boy? Let’s sit down over here, have some coffee and get my accountant on the horn to tally up the loss, shall we? Have you any idea how much it costs to rent an island? MARTINA! SIT!
Martina: Oh, no, I can’t stay…*ahem*…I have to get home an cook supper for Zangulus! Ooh, he gets cranky when he miss—
QOS: You couldn’t cook if Julia Child was lookin’ over your shoulder, givin’ you directions! Now, siddown, sister! Whattaya say, Dickie, old boy? Looks like I got me a couple a’ new castaways, eh? Hee-hee! Murray! Yo, Murray! Get Sid on the line for me, will ya? Steve—coffee. Thanks, lads.
Dick Clark: I thought you were so into amusing people…
QOS: Not when it’s costin’ me money, amigo! We’ll see how loud my attorney’s laughing, ok? And my lawyer—those people of yours were impersonating officers of the Law and giving my people the impression they were really under arrest. I think that’s a Federal offense, Dick.
Dick Clark: It’s That Time of the Month, isn’t it?
QOS: Sexual harassment! Woo-hoo!
Zelgadis: (in Rezo’s ear) She’s enjoying this way too much.
Rezo: I guess American Bandstand traumatized her.
Amelia: All those half-naked, gyrating teenagers…
Gourry: That reminds me: Whatever happened to those half-naked, gyrating native dancing girls you were gonna find for us?
As the Queen guides Dick Clark over to a small table behind the cameras and her lackeys get them coffee and her accountant, Dick Clark is wondering if this constitutes harassment of any kind and if he should be calling his lawyer. Shilfiel and Martina sit down and endure evil glares from their (former) friends, the Queen’s comment about having two new castaways ringing in their ears.